


Red Currant Jam

by Mittensmeow



Series: Harry Potter Food Drabbles [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Book 4: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Comedy, F/M, Food, Post-Book 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:20:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24553006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mittensmeow/pseuds/Mittensmeow
Summary: Lucius has it in for Pettigrew...
Relationships: Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy
Series: Harry Potter Food Drabbles [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/189635
Kudos: 4





	Red Currant Jam

**Author's Note:**

> Warning! A crack-fic has been spotted!  
> Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any affiliated universes.

Lucius was trying to write a report on the latest mission his Lord had sent him on. But it was so boring, all he had done was try to recruit people in Italy, under the guise of a vacation. He didn’t even get to stay at his villa! He had to go to a hotel! The indignity of it all! Lucius’ musing was interrupted by a soft pop, as a house-elf came into the room. Finally, a distraction.

“Why are you here, Dipsy,” he barked, “aren’t you supposed to be preparing dinner?”

“I is sorry, Master, but the smelly rat man ate all of the jam!” wailed the young elf.

“Well, just go buy some more,” he ordered the house elf. “Honestly, do I have to think of everything?”, Lucius muttered under his breath. “Why do we even need jam right now, it’s almost dinnertime.”

“But Master, it is being the Lord Voldemort’s special red currant jam that the smelly rat man ate!”

No. Not his Master’s jam. Not the jam that was made from a currently out of season fruit. Not the jam ordered specially from Bar-le-Duc. Not the jam that was already sold out this year. Not the jam that cost 5 galleons per oz. Not the Bar-de-Duc Red Currant Jam! 

“Are you sure that it was The Special Jam!? Was it the last jar? When did he eat it? Where is he right now?”

“Dipsy is sure it was being The Special Jam, it is being the last jar, he be eating it for tea time earlier today, and he is not being in the kitchen anymore!” 

“PETTIGREW!!!!!”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter sighed, as he scratched his belly. That had been some wonderful jam. Especially with that Devonshire cream, so lovely. He sighed again, nestling deeper into the sack of dried barley. Content, he fell asleep, unaware of the trouble brewing in his future.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lucius inhaled as he approached the throne room. He had prepared for this. He could do this. He… was going to be cursed, wasn’t he? He had called in as many favors as he could, just trying to get a single jar. He had planned to cast a refilling charm to ensure the jam could never run out; it turned out that none of his associates had any jars of The Special Jam, or at least had been unwilling to give it up. If he found out that they had had a jar, he was going to make them pay.

“My Lord?” Lucius called, knocking on the throne room door.

“Enter,” a voice intoned. Lucius quickly opened the doors and stepped inside, walking towards the throne.

“My Lord, I have just received upsetting news.”

“Give your report,” Voldemort impatiently ordered.

“Your jam has gone missing. The elves did not notice until the jam was gone.” Good, make sure He knows it was someone else’s fault.

“WHAT. HAPPENED. TO. MY. JAM.” 

Oh no.

“The elves reported that Pettigrew was the only one in the kitchens from just after breakfast to shortly before dinner. If I might guess, he is, without a doubt, the culprit.”

Voldemort seethed, thinking about his special jam. The jam had been made by muggles, yes, but they slaved over it for many hours, giving him a sense of satisfaction. The muggles painstakingly used goose quills to remove the seeds, in what would take a wizard a few seconds. That obviously showed how superior magic was! 

“Bring me Pettigrew, or you will be crucioed so hard, your son will feel it.”

Excellent, he wasn’t being cursed now, and if he could capture Pettigrew, he wouldn’t be cursed at all.

“Yes my Lord.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pettigrew squeaked as he fell to the floor. Glancing around, he saw his Lord and Malfoy. Transforming back into his human form, he hunched over and bowed.

“My Lord, what do you need?”

“It has come to my attention that you have taken liberties with the contents of the pantry. Is this true?”

Oh, dear.

“Well my Lord, I do tend to snack from time to time,” he whimpered out.

“And did you happen to sample a jar of red currant jam? Perhaps in a small crystal jar?”

Peter wondered how his Lord knew that. It had really been a small jar, barely enough to slather more than a few scones. It had been hidden too, right behind a tall bottle of wine, in the locked shelf in the pantry. Better play dumb and suck up to Him.

“Why yes my Lord! How did you know? It’s amazing how much you know about this dusty old manor!” Take that, Lucius!

“That would be because you ATE. MY. JAM.”

Well damn. 

“CRUCIO.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once he was back in the safety of his own office, Lucius breathed a sigh of relief. He had not gotten cursed, Pettigrew had been punished, and there was a nice dinner waiting for him, alongside his beautiful wife. Life could not get any better.

“Hey, Tommy! Where’s the cranberry juice!”

Or not.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally, it was supposed to be Strawberry Jam, but I wanted something that was a little more workable as a plot element. Also, Bar-le-Duc red currant jam is a real thing, it actually is made with goose quills, and it currently costs about $47 USD in 2020. I actually did the math to figure out the price back then too.


End file.
